Friends on facebook who are not models or actors but still insist on getting professional photographs taken and posted on facebook

You know you're hot when there is a beam of light coming out of your face

First of all, who the fuck do these people think they are? Models? No. Actors? I don’t think so. I will tell you exactly who they are. They are your typical run of the mill facebookers who are compensating for their low self esteem by paying some “photographer” to take their picture. Before I begin the hating, I just want to make a few things clear about what kinds of professional photos I don’t hate:

1. Wedding pictures. Pretty dresses are fun and whimsical.

2. Baby photos. Babies are cute, especially when they are fat and asian.

3. Graduation photos. By the time I graduate I will have been in school for somewhere in the area of seven years. I think that qualifies for getting nudies done.

Now that we have covered the basics lets get onto the hating. Throughout my years of facebooking I have come across these photos several times. After witnessing this phenomenon develop and proliferate like gangrene in a war trench, I started to notice some striking patterns. Firstly, the types of people that get these photos taken tend to be somewhere in the 5-7 range in terms of hotness. This means that one is equivalent to a gargoyle, and ten is equivalent to Jesus. Someone who is really ugly (like below 5 on the hotness scale) would never dare to try such a thing. For starters, finding a photographer who would risk having their camera lens shattered by such a troll would be a feat in and of itself. As well, most people in this social bracket know their place in life. If you fall below five, you have most likely lived this way your whole life and don’t expect people to call you “pretty” or “hot”. Getting a “what’s cooking, good looking” just ain’t gonna happen for these creatures.

On the other end of the spectrum you would never, and I mean never see an 8-10 pull something like this. To be honest, it’s because they don’t have to. If you are a true 8-10 you exude confidence and lack the need for encouraging facebook comments about your photos. You could have a picture posted of an 8-10 passed out drunk with dried vomit all over them, as well as things like cocks and boobs drawn all over their faces, and their adoring less attractive friends would still say, “Wow you look great! Must have been some night…” As well, since the 8-10’s have real confidence in themselves, they would not even think of de tagging this disaster of a photo.

Finally, we come back to the culprit group: the 5-7’s. Probably the most representative group on facebook these people come from a wide range of backgrounds. Some have always been a 5-7. Others were only cute when they were a child and then started to decline after puberty. Thankfully for them they plateaued into this group and didn’t continue the descent into gargoylism. The rest would be people who started off life in the nether regions of the looks scale, and then improved. Good for them! Whatever they did obviously worked and they can now consider themselves average. Unfortunately, these people tend to be the main proprietors of such photos. Remember when I said at the beginning that the people who usually get these photos done tend to have low self-esteem? Well my friends, even though these people healed themselves on the outside, they have yet to deal with the shame that still lingers on the inside. Since they started off life in the bottom of the barrel they were faced with much ridicule when young. Bullying, teasing, rejection – just some of the things that a former ogre had to go through. The only thing that probably got them through such cruelty was thinking, “One day I’m going to get really hot, put on a lot of make-up, bleach the titty fuck out of my hair, wear something slutty and show everyone what I’m made of.” And boy did they ever. These sasquatchs of the past probably never dreamt something as all reaching as facebook would have been invented. Facebook has given these former ugo’s an avenue on which to receive positive feedback where it otherwise wouldn’t be granted. Remember what these people thought when they were young? That they were going to show everyone what they were made of, not just close friends. And what better way to do that then to get obnoxious photos taken of yourself that makes you look nothing like yourself? Your facebook friends end up giving you compliments, but are really just left stunned thinking, “How the fuck did that sloth end up looking normal?” One word: airbrushing.