Improper umbrella usage

Every major city has its downfalls. Toronto has smog. San Francisco has steep hills. Cairo tastes like a cigarette. And Paris is full of French people.

Our city at its finest

In Vancouver our downfall is rain fall. But it’s not those droplets falling from the sky that is so frustrating. It’s the amount of umbrellas that come out to play all across town as soon as those grey clouds move in and take over our city. Unfortunately for so many of us, we live in a city of people who are umbrella handicapped; they just don’t know what the fuck they’re doing the second they whip that bad boy open and take to the streets. This becomes especially frustrating during the holiday season when there are clearly many tourists who are not accustomed to such weather. Several annoying actions stood out to me on my last shopping trip during a downpour:

When short people are not mindful of the vertically blessed around them

I know, I know. It’s tough being 4 inches below the national height average. You always have to get your pants hemmed, and if you’re a guy, you probably get rejected a lot. While I do feel your pain in those respects I can no longer allow you to waltz around town forgetting this fact the second you pop open your umbrella. Just because you happen to be 5’2 does not mean the rest of the people trying to scurry down the street are as well. Please for the love of god lift your umbrella up when you’re walking down the street. I am sick and fucking tired of getting poked in the eye. I know it might strain and hurt your arm to lift that high, but if you don’t do it I might have to hurt your face.

Quit twirling that thing like it’s a goddamn pencil                                                                                           

Remember, it's just a movie

This essentially goes back to what happens when short people hold umbrellas. People lose eyes. And while I love the whole idea of losing one sense and becoming stronger in another, I would really like to continue seeing. Just because there happens to be a plethora of old movies (think Singing In The Rain) and musicals where this happens to work, this is not real life. I know it’s confusing when you have your iPod in and it makes it seem like you are living in a musical. But you’re not. So quit acting like an idiot and keep that umbrella still.

If you have a soaking wet umbrella on your hands, please do not set it down anywhere but the floor

I am sick and tired of seeing wet sloppy puddles on counters and bus seats. I understand having your umbrella closer to you is more convenient to you, but it is incredibly inconsiderate. If this is a problem for you I suggest carrying around a plastic bag to hold your wet friend.

I know the rain is coming at you, but please, umbrellas up not out!

It’s bad enough when people are texting while walking, but positioning your umbrella directly in front of your face while walking is just plain stupid. You live in Vancouver. Deal with it or go back to Ontario. Your call.

And remember…

Please don’t open your umbrella indoors before going outside

Didn’t you know you will get seven years of bad luck? Seriously, I’m doing you a favour.

People who don’t know how to ride the bus, especially when it is full

The bane of my existence...

Important note to make before I start off todays hate. There are two types of people who will not  be able to comprehend what I am explaining. First, people who don’t ride the bus. Lucky duckies. Second, people who do ride the bus and happen to be the reason behind the inspiration for todays hate. Perhaps a lesson or two will be learned for that group. I can only hope, but alas I am doubtful nonetheless.

Keep in my mind that I made it a point to mention that this post is about when the bus is full. This is when public transportation etiquette it of the upmost importance. More people equals less space, less space equals more shoulder rubbing which eventually leads to having someone’s head in your armpit (if you are tall). Or in the case of actually finding a seat on the bus, having to stare at some old mans crotch who is a “standee” right in front of you. Gross. With these inevitable situations that will be encountered 9 times out of 10 on a rush hour route it is almost impossible to think that it could get any worse. But oh yes. It can, and it does!

When riding the bus to a place like school where you would assume most people partaking in the journey alongside you are also fellow P.T. (public transportation) veterans, you expect a certain level of dignity. You know the rules and expect nothing less of your fellow comrades. You think to yourself, “we’re all riding this shitbox together. Lets make the most of it.” I hate to break it to you though, you are a rare breed if you do indeed think this way. Here is why:

There is always someone with a backpack/large purse/homeless man bag of treasures that has no concept of getting their shit out of the fucking way. I understand that you need to take your shit to and fro, from point A to B. What I cannot comprehend is the fact that these people seem to think that wearing said large item makes any sense on a crowded bus. Please, for the love of God put it on the ground and shimmy it around if you need to. Now we can all have a bit of personal space.

You can tell how full the bus is by how many people are standing. Or can you? Often times I find that when I am on such a bus there are usually few people who are getting off before the terminal station. But every now and then, magic! Someone gets up! Wait, is that another person who is getting off at this stop as well? Oh my, did I just see another one? Look at all those free seats! At least if I don’t get one, there will be more air space on the bus, and potentially more room for others. But wait. People within a 30 cm radius of these seats are just staring at them. Awkwardly. Looking apprehensive. You can tell that they want to sit down, but don’t want to be “that guy” who snags the seat so quickly. Personally, I say go for it! Someone needs to sit the fuck down so we all have a little more room. Today it is random guy that gets that seat. Fine. Tomorrow it will be me. I don’t care. Just take the fucking seat and clear some aisle space and quit looking like you go through life with your finger up your asshole.

Yeah that's right, I look too fucking cool to take this bad boy off!

Finally something that is near and dear to my heart. Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate and I mean hate being cold. I also get cold very easily. Winter time does not equal fun time for me. It is for this reason during the blustery months of Winter and even early Spring that I cannot stand the mofo’s who take it upon themselves to open the windows of the speeding bus. Oh wait, not just open the windows, but ask no one if it is okay. If it is still below 10 degrees Celsius outside, you should have to decency to ask before doing this. Ah, but I know what you’re going to say. “What about the other people being hot? Shouldn’t you give some consideration to them?” I thought about that. Entertained the idea. But again realized that 9 times out of 10 these people are wearing fucking coats that they could just take off. Instead I am left there in my coat freezing my tits off, waiting for the daggers of the bitter wind to end at every red light. Or if I am in an especially delightful mood just going over and closing the window myself. Hard. Very hard. Like I fucking mean it.