Gluten Free

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything on this blog. I guess you could say I took a little break from hating…

Who am I kidding? I’ve still been hating on things as much as I was three years ago – I guess I just went through a phase where I started occupying my time with more productive tasks. The upside is that with time comes experience; and man, have I experienced some god awful cringeworthy moments in the past few years.

I find that most people seem to be on some fad eating habit these days. There are several popular ones going around such as juicing, paleo, and most notably, gluten free or GF as the Glutards like to call it.

Gluten. Did anyone even know what this was a year ago? For those of you who don’t know, gluten is the protein in certain grains like wheat and barley that gives foods their chewy texture. You know that amazing thing that happens when you break apart a freshly baked french baguette? Gluten does that, and apparently people are not okay with it.

I get that there are people who have serious medical conditions who need to avoid gluten. I have a good friend whose girlfriend suffers from Chrohn’s disease, and a few months back she needed to spend several days in the hospital due to complications from her condition (not good). However, this post isn’t directed at people like her; it is directed at people who are easily sucked into sophisticated marketing campaigns, and spend way too much time at their naturopath. Glutards.

I recently started thinking about why anyone would willingly go on a GF diet. It basically means that you are swearing off sandwiches, and everyone knows nothing hits the spot like a ‘sammich. I tried putting myself in other peoples shoes. I started to think,

Do I ever experience discomfort after eating? If so, could this be the gluten’s fault?

I pondered this some more. Especially after lunch.

Come to think of it, I do feel a bit of discomfort after meals. 

This can’t be happening. I refuse to give up the good stuff. I kept on this train of thought for some time, and for awhile thought that it might be some kind of food sensitivity; I was even beginning to express a degree of sympathy that I never knew was possible for the community of Glutards.

Then suddenly, it dawned on me. It was like a lightbulb, nay 50 lightbulbs had gone off in my head in one pyromaniac display that far exceeded any Oprah-esque “A-Ha” moment one might have.

It was so simple, I couldn’t believe that I never realized it before.

All I needed to do,

was take a shit.

That’s it. Just a poop. A number two. Drop the Cosby kids off at the pool. Plop a deuce. Clear the pipes.

Once I realized that the experience that I was having was just nature’s way of making room for new digestive material, I soon realized that there were probably many poor souls out there experiencing the same phantom gluten sensitivities that I was. It’s really not that shocking when you think about it. We live in a world where everyone poops, but we’re ashamed to talk about it. In fact, this shaming of poo has even lead to people feeling uncomfortable about pooping at work, and thus butt clenching until it’s time to clock out. I truly believe that if we lived in a society that was more open about pooping, the GF movement would not exist. I myself think that there has been enough movements related to food; my friends, it’s time for a Poovement. It’s time to say no to butt clenching, and yes to mid-day defecation drops at the office. Yes to pasta; yes to bread; yes to pizza; yes to the euphoric sensation that comes from a long day’s poo. I challenge all current Glutards to think about this the next time they eat gluten (because let’s face it, we all know you cheat once in awhile). Is it really the gluten making you feel discomfort, or do you just always feel like that, and  just needed a scapegoat for your swiping?

I believe in us. I know we can do this. You all have it in you (literally). We will defeat the GF movement, with our own kind of movements. This time though, it’s personal.